(10/30) Everything's in Order

Another one that got slightly out of hand and involved multiple late nights to knock it into some semblance of decency. Given how much I have written in the past on classical mythology I find it a little strange that more godly related stuff hasn't made it into a set involving legends. This one doesn't really change that but there are some more vague references.

Disclaimer: No creatures were harmed during the writing of this poem :P

Legendary 5/5

Everything's in Order

Ding-Dong
Yes, yes, hold your horses. I’m coming!
Oh it’s you. Just the three? Come on through,
DEFRA told me to expect an inspection.
Here’s my licence and permits you’ll see.
All in order I’m sure you’ll find.
Thanks for that. So to the collection I guess…
You’re not the usual team that they send -
Have you been doing this long?
Oh you’re new? How swell! I’ll give you the tour.
You newbies take time to believe, I find,
In the things that are but aren’t meant to be.
I’ll just turn off the alarms – it’s locked down real tight
Can’t have the public seeing these, of course,
And you’ll note I’m above the specification
That your Ministry has asked for compliance.

Yes it is a bit nippy – I installed chillers to cool
The specimens for much better preservation.
Careful there, the wings are a bit fragile –
Yes, cute, but poor thing was part of a troop
Made by a geneticist who had read
The Wizard of Oz a few too many times.
But I got them all down with a very old ruse
Poisoned bananas laid out on the floor,
Just like dealing with pigeons in the park.
And speaking of birds, here’s a feathered friend,
Or rather just the beak since there’s really no room
For a bigger part of the body or even a wing.
Yes, it’s just what you think – it’s a roc, my dear boy,
Discovered on an island near Bali if I recall right
Causing some bother to tourists out there
They lost two boat loads before calling me in.
Now this little chap was found on the prowl
In the scrublands near Ouagadougou.
Some villagers had fallen foul of this insidious lizard,
Whilst out getting wood, now they’re petrified.
So I broke out the rifle and my trusty mirror,
One of the most important tools, doncha know,
And whilst he was still hissing at his image therein
I got him in one but had to take out the eyes
Since in death they still retain power to stone.

The mounted heads section, forgive a classic conceit.
No, that’s not three different beasts, ‘twas just one
I’m surprised you don’t recognise a chimera!
I bagged it in Greece on the slopes of Olympus
Where it was feasting on pastoral herds and
Put up quite a fight, I’ll have you know.
The snake is venomous, the goat has strong teeth,
And the lion can breathe out some great fire –
Burnt the hair off my head and if I hadn’t rolled
It would have got my whole moustache as well!
Ah, this is a good one, was a request from Down Under.
Nasty blighter was damaging the Great Barrier Reef
No consideration for coral conservation at all.
So I took a canoe and a new barbed harpoon
Set the bait to draw the bunyip away from the reef
And let fly and, of course, my arm was true.
One throw, one blow, no pain at all
Then away before anyone saw.
Now some small curios from my other hunts
As we move through to the pièce de resistance.
There’s a feral unicorn’s horn and a sphinx’s nose,
The wing of a griffin and a manticore’s sting.
A yeti foot, the snake from a gorgon, harpy’s claw
A noxious troglodyte’s stink gland and here
In this case – the last tribble corpse on Earth.
Sadly NASA won’t let me say where the rest are.

But here you go gents – take a good look!
No, you’re not seeing wrong, it’s real – touch a scale.
This one was the big one, the ultimate score.
It was a bold expedition, had to be cautious
A cave up in the Andes, above an old Incan city.
I don’t like working near ruins for I have to be
Doubly careful, even more permits than normal!
Now I’d learned my lesson from the chimera tangle
And came loaded to hit from a distance.
It may be uncouth but I prefer dynamite
To dealing with the hazard of breathed fire
Especially when you can conceal it beforehand.
But the Peruvian government forbade it
Since the antiquities could have been melted
Health and safety gone mad if you ask me
This beast was eating people and llamas galore!
So I was forced to use gas, a cowardly thing
But in the main it attracts less attention.
So with treasure recovered which is now on display
In the National Museum of Lima,
I kept the head and can quite proudly say
Gentlemen – here be dragon!

(12/04/11)