Dark Matters

The Dark Matters were originally coached by Grey Wolf, but half way through season 1, Grey Wolf stepped aside to be replaced by Zenithed. Their stadium is the Dirt Pit. They are in the Western Conference.

Hate Machine

Hate Machine are coached by JohanDenerad. Their stadium is [place holder]. They are in the western conference.

Tanglewood Longshanks

The Tanglewood Longshanks are coached by CardinalSin. Their stadium is [place holder]. They are in the Western Conference.

Underworld Exiles

The Underworld Exiles are coached by Telpher. Their stadium is [place holder]. They are in the Western Conference.

Background

In C592 a crack commando unit was sentenced to penal servitude for a crime they didn't commit. This team promptly escaped from the gladiatorial pits to the criminal underground of Middenheim, where they survive as soldiers of fortune. More recently, they formed a blood bowl team. If you have a problem, if noone else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire, the EXILES!

[sound of repeating crossbow fire, then theme music]

Starring
Colonel Balthazaar 'Hannibal' Cicero (Dark elf)
Orland 'Face man' Peck (Human)
Urlan 'Howling Mad' Haganbaack (Norse)
Radgar 'Bad Attitude' The Mighty (Beastman)
and also starring
Intrepid reporter Naala Sweetwater (Amazon)

.... Any similarity to 1970s TV shows is entirely coincidental.

"They bring hope to the hopeless. Help to the helpless. Hap to the
hapless. Increased profits to the manufacturers of repeating bolt-thrower ammunition. "

Episode 1 No weapon like a bag of rats (part 1 of 2)

After a recent job brings unwanted attention (see pilot episode - the Cartel Caper) the Exiles need to lie low and let the heat die down. What better way to assure anonymity than by forming a blood bowl team? Despite initial protests, the Exiles soon buckle down to recruiting. Balthazaar brings in his speedy cousin Albus, Orland tries to 'recruit' Balthazaar's sister, the deadly assassin Celia, but has to be rescued in return by Radgar. Radgar wants to find his old friend Hagar, only to find he's died, and been returned to a foul parody of life by a local necromantic scientist. He tries to rescue the flesh golem anyway, and ends up being pursued by the local guards back to the Exiles's hideout. Here the team are cornered by a band of skaven led by the formidable Ugrush Krag, sent by the local Cartel to take revenge on the team. (cliffhanger)

Episode 2 No weapon like a bag of rats (part 2 of 2)

The Exiles have been found by a band of Skaven from the local Cartel, but are rescued by the sudden arrival, through the wall, of 'Howling mad' Urlan Haganbaack, riding on the shoulders of his fellow inmate at the Valhalla Association for Berserkers, a Minotaur called Crimson Horn. The Exiles fight the Skaven, who fight back with a number of sneaky tricks and comedy moves. All this time Radgar has been trying to tell the team something, but can't get the words out before someone else hits him. Finally, his message becomes obvious as both sides of the melee are surrounded by a combination of the local guards and the necromancer's goons, looking for the tolen
golem.

They lock the Exiles and the Skaven in the armoury while they squabble about who gets to keep them. Surrounded by hundreds of axes, tools for making weaponry, and a line of siege engines, the Exiles concoct a desperate plan. They use the weaponry to build a mini-siege tower with belt-operated whirling axes, and break out of the armoury, somehow knocking all the goons and guardsmen over without hurting any of them. Impressed by the inventive construction of overly-complicated weaponry, the Skaven agree to tell the Cartel that the Exiles have left town - on one condition. That, one by one, they too are allowed to join the team. The Exiles now have no choice, they have to go through with Balthazaar's original plan, and play Blood Bowl!

Episode 3 Paging Dr Werner

The Exiles are in trouble again. Committed to forming a blood bowl team, they don't have the necessary funds. Orland 'Faceman' Peck has managed to con a local businessman into lending a run down sports ground that's been closed, pending demolition, and the skaven steal the building supplies by digging under the fence at a local construction yard. Colonel 'Hannibal' Cicero knows a few shady characters who live in the undertunnels who might be able to provide some funds, and he wants to bring Radgar to help 'persuade' them. Unfortunately, Radgar's claustrophobia means he won't venture down into the sewer tunnels. (I ain't going down no drain). Instead, one of the skaven, Kikerit Pinktongue, steals a poison dagger from Celia the assassin and stabs Radgar with it, and he is instantly knocked out. They then carry him into the tunnels for the meeting.

Meanwhile Urlan has problems of his own when he tries to keep Crimson Horn of out the Valhalla Association for Berserkers, ands ends up being caught himself. The Exiles gather together to raid the VA and get back their own. The raid goes horribly wrong when Orland Peck's false beard gets caught in a Tesla coil, and they get locked into the confiscated items cupboard, full of axes, halberds and other assorted weaponry confiscated from the Berserker inmates, until the police can be summoned. They managed to build an automated tomahawk thrower, and aided by the sympathetic Dr Werner, make good their escape. Dr Verner promises to act as the team doctor. However, Radgar and Balthzaaer return reveal that their mission failed, and they wouldn't get the necessary money to launch the team. They return to the sports ground to find a huge crowd gathered around the renovations works, helping out in a 'proud local community' sort of way, led by intrepid reporter Naala Sweetwater. With a fan base secure, maybe the team will be viable after all?

Episode 4 Hide the noodle (guest star - Haloti Ngata from Revenger's Tragedy)

The local community is rallying behind the Exiles bid to form a blood bowl team, but something is holding them back. A bullying local businessman, chaos dwarf Ngata Hloti, is terrorising the local people into supporting his scheme for a giant casino and 24 hour noodle bar. Can the Exiles help out their new found fans without revealing their identity as a crack commando team on the run? Balthazaar 'Hannibal' Cicero pretends to open a rival noodle bar, in order to draw the villain out.

Meanwhile, Orland 'Faceman' Peck is doing his bit for the team on
recruitment. While trying to convince the groundsmen at the local
university to moonlight laying grass at the Exile's grounds, he runs into an attractive bikini model who appears to know him. He invites her to meet him at the noodle bar, and then rushes back to warn the Exiles that someone knows who they are. They are interrupted by the arrival of the mystery girl, and four of her friends, one of whom is intrepid reporter Naala Sweetwater! Goons arrive to bust up the place, but their threatening dialogue is largely ignored by the girls flirting with Orland, the Exiles trying to question Naala without alerting her friends, and Radgar eating everyone else's noodles, while Urlan claims he's destroying the noodly eco-system and endangering the visiting noodle spacemen from the great spaghetti in the sky, and tries to stop him. The villains get upset and start a fight, accidently covering themselves and everyone else in noodles. The Exile's dilemma, of how to beat the villains without displaying excessive combat skills, is solved when Naala's friends beat up the villains and send them packing, after a long and prolonged noodle fight. (The length of this scene varies from region to region depending on local obscenity laws). Naala later explains that they are all members of her old Amazon sorority, The Sisters of the Blade (Gotta infra U). Inspired by the fight, they construct a giant noodle-flinging machine, and when the local bully himself turns up with the rest of his goons, they use the machine to cover them all in noodles, humiliating them in front of the locals. The locals can now support the Blood Bowl team without interference, and help to build the first of the stands. The episode ends with a distraught Orland being surrounded by scantily clad Sisters of the Blade each of whom has apparently been separately promised a role as chief cheerleader. The Exiles seem disinclined to help Orland escape his fate.

Divisible Primes

Red Terror

Red Terror are coached by Lobey Dosser. Their stadium is The Skulldrome of Terror. They are in the Eastern Conference.

Revengers' Tragedy

Revengers' Tragedy are coached by Brave Sir Robin. Their stadium is Boca del Infierno. They are in the Eastern Conference.

Surreal Madrid

Surreal Madrid are coached by Aaron. Their stadium is The Burn-a-Bow. They are in the Eastern Conference.